Things I Will Never Do


Normal people make bucket lists. People love bucket lists. I hate them. I think the concept is fine, but in practice they are horribly depressing motivational tools. Either people make them so extravagant that they will never be able to finish them (thus attaining immortality?) or, if much saner, dull and uneventful. And what happens when you finish a bucket list? Do you have to bury yourself in a shallow grave? Personally I’d rather do the things I want to do when I can do them, not put plans on a list of things to plan.

So instead of a bucket list, here are some things that I am fairly confident I will never do. And if I get to do one of them, wow awesome! If not, well I knew that already.

  • Ski- it seems simple but I don’t see it happening. It’s expensive, and it requires coordination and being in snow. Three things I’ve little experience with.
  • Leave the country- I can’t think of any time I’ve been on a vacation. Like a real vacation, without going to visit family, or a wedding, or a funeral. So if I’m ever at a point in my life where I can TAKE a vacation, I won’t need to leave the country to be excited. I’d love to, don’t get me wrong. But I feel it will always be a “someday” kind of plan that never comes to be.
  • Become a degree carrying librarian- I mean, sure. I could list endlessly all the things that I WON’T be. But getting a Master’s in Library Science had been an important life goal. Now, not so much.
  • Be on TV- I was on the front page of our local newspaper when I was a kid! And that summed up my 15 minutes of fame.
  • Become drunk- look people. Booze is awful. It just is. Plus I am half drunk by personality default anyway so I certainly don’t need to be drinking.
  • Learn a computer language- it’s probably something I SHOULD learn. But my poor brain, it does not handle this sort of thing well.
  • Kill a man in Reno just to watch him die- Why the heck would I ever go to Reno?
  • Run a marathon- I once walked a half marathon. It was an interesting experience, but at no point was it enjoyable. Even if I’m ever in shape enough TO run a marathon, I really just don’t enjoy organized sports. I’d rather go run in the woods or something.
  • Any overly complex romantic plot you’d see in a bucket list- Look. Coming up with a clever date is fine. But some of the ideas I’ve seen are borderline desperate. If I ever find someone to love (and NOT from a semi-stalkerly distance) I will be THRILLED. I will be so appreciative of the fact I have someone in my life that the relationship will not need to be rekindled because I will be 100% STOKED.
  • Complete a list of movies to see/books to read- The thing about this is people are making books and movies all the time! The list for me would be endless. And I don’t want limit my measure of life experience to media consumption.
  • Use Facebook- just not gonna happen. Every time I consider it a part of me dies a little.
  • Perform music on stage again- anyone want a free saxophone?

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