As a Valentine’s Day Special, I’m offering a helpful list for any ladies hoping to apply for my love.
(If there is ever a time to take anything I say seriously, today is not the day to start.)
- Cuts pizza in squares. Not ALL the time, but have it be an acceptable, fun option.
- Cuts sammiches in triangles. Rectangle sandwiches depress me.
- Not an intense fan of anything. I should explain. It’s not so much that being a huge fan of something is a BAD thing (although I could argue it is in some cases) but I won’t ever match that level of enthusiasm. There are things I REALLY enjoy, like New Girl and peanut butter. But I wouldn’t be able to make anyone happy that was obsessively into, say, Dr. Who or extreme croquet. I just don’t have that level of dedication in me, when plenty of other fine suitors would happily share their interest. Not after having friends obsessed with anime, and not after the exhausting years of life given to Lost and 24.
- Puts shopping carts up.
- Avoids spoilers and thinks movie trailers are a priority. If I’m seeing a movie and none of the trailers are interesting, I sometimes wish I could just go see a different movie.
- Is okay with taking initiative when asking for a different table. I’m all about equal rights in regards to women wearing pants, both in reality and in the relationship.
- Adventurous, but not too adventurous. Take an impromptu road trip to the coast and take crazy pictures of each other pretending to be in other people’s groups? Okay! Sell all our possessions to travel the world and become base jumpers? Listen, we need to talk.
Prefers LeWitt to Warhol. I had to strike this one out because REALLY, except when it threatens interior decorating decisions, artistic difference can only diversify a relationship. Also Warhol was a jerk.
- Uses twitter. This one isn’t THAT important. Mostly I list it because it would hard to brag about her without being able to include her in replies. And how else could we be that charming couple on Twitter that is the life of the party and makes everyone else on Twitter jealous? You certainly can’t be charming on Facebook.
- NO PINTEREST WEDDING BOARDS. This is key. Because nothing reveals crazy like some of the ridiculous things I’ve seen uploaded to Pinterest. There is a line between clever/cute and obnoxious and with weddings it is preeeety thick.
- No complicated save the date announcements.
- No absurd wedding photos. Not before, during or after.
- No freaking extra ceremonies DURING the wedding. What is wrong with you. We’ve already been standing up there FOREVER.
- Smoking hot. Haha. C’mon. You didn’t think I cared about PERSONALITY did you? Goodness no. I want someone highly kissable that I can show off to all my old, hated friends as an objectifying form of revenge.
So anyway, eligible ladies you may now line up and prepare for makeouts.